UPDATED
One-Sentence Pitch: When telepathic Ziv’s newly normal life is interrupted by a military request, she must decide if she belongs in humanity’s war, or on Earth at all.
Opening Paragraphs: Blades of grass brush my toes, forcing me to suppress a shudder. Textures like this still feel unnatural, wrong. Too irregular and unpredictable. Shouldn’t have worn sandals. Despite my physical reaction, I continue across the lawn toward school. If I force myself to endure it enough times, maybe I’ll finally get used to it.
A familiar voice calls out behind me. As I stop to let Khalil catch up, his golden-bronze skin seems to radiate the warmth of the sun back out to the world. Not for the first time, I wonder if he finds my pale face as cold as I do. The thought is interrupted by a tickle on my foot, different from the grass. A ladybug crawls across my toe, and I reflexively clench my fists, not letting myself fritz out.
6 comments:
Love the paragraphs, but I feel as though something is missing from the one-sentence pitch. I know the MC is supposed to be mysterious, but I think a quick word as to what she is would help clarify why the military is asking for her help.
Good luck! :)
I agree with MarcyKate and my only other question involves whether you can use the third paragraph or not, as the rules say only two.
Thanks, both. I forgot to repost after rewriting to avoid the two-word dialogue paragraph. Will update now. :)
Well, I'm not going to be very helpful. It looks good to me.
All I can say is good job and good luck!
This is great - I love the voice and the language. And the premise sounds very interesting. Good luck!
I like the one sentence pitch. I think it is good that it leaves you asking questions - because then you want to read more.
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